A Life of Quarters

All throughout high school I was looking for my “group” of friends. The ones who would be in bridesmaid dresses when I got married, who could finish my sentences, who I would have entire albums on facebook dedicated to. I once had these girls in middle school. We were sisters. However, I branched off from the group when I attended a high school across town. Sure, I had “friends.” I would invite the whole world over to my house for birthday parties or new years eve parties. I see now I was desperately grasping for people to come and laugh and eat and like me. But... they did not know my secrets, they did not know my middle name, or how at times I hated being so different from everyone at my high school. This all sounds very sad and okay I admit it, pathetic. It sounds more dramatic than it probably is, but I’m majoring in theater what do you expect from me? The truth is-- I did have some really amazing best friends throughout the years who define who I am today.

Being home for Christmas has opened my eyes to how futile my search for belonging to a group of friends was. It could be called unsuccessful, but I’m an optimist-- lets call it futile. On the plane back to Texas, I was thinking “oh I have to see so many people and plan a HUGE party and and and!” Cousins came in town, stayed in our guest house, and I was unable to do anything but play dolls with my baby cousins, run around my grandmother’s house hunched over chasing them like a monster, construct a miniature neon tent in front of the fireplace, and set up stuffed animals for a grand tea party. When I spent time away from them, I was at my sisters watching modern family with the other side of the family or cuddled up with my dog on the porch swing reading a book. At one moment, my mom and I were playing the new dance game for Wii at my sister’s. (CAUTION: that is a cardio workout on steroids) She kept beating me. Badly! Soon, my sister was digging the camcorder out, my dad was crying and beet red because he was laughing so hard, and my nephew was screaming “Come on Danielle!” As I looked over at my mother giggling, it hit me. I did not want to see all those glorified acquaintances. I did not want to throw extravagant parties secretly hoping for acceptance from the masses or look at my old friend’s facebooks and wish I hadn’t vanished from those Christmas parties. I am right where I belong. My family are the people I want to be in my wedding or to receive a text from when I’ve had a bad day. 

Don’t get me wrong, I love getting invited to someone’s house for a massive movie night. It’s natural to want to belong. But, now when I am forgotten on someone’s invite list and hear about it later on... I just don’t care (as much). Being home from college makes me feel like I’m standing in front of a parking meter with a limited amount of quarters. It makes me see that those quarters belong to my family and those genuine, best friends who love me for more than parties, money, or clothes. Time is precious. Everyone is allotted a specific amount of quarters in their lifetime. Spend your quarters well, because you can never get them back once they are gone.